| this isn't weird, dont worry.
I'm closing the book and saying goodbye to a girl I didn't know I loved until months after I broke her heart. She started to self-destruct explicitly because of me, and the pain of watching her go out is even worse than losing her love. I tried to win her back, and hung out with her last week, but it's not going to happen, and I know it.
I've spent a lot of time losing things, and I'm working on no longer repressing pain and memories. I'm thinking about a time in my life when me and someone else believed that, when you step into the same river a second time, one year later, nothing has changed, because some things can't be changed. I never came out and said thank you, because when I look back, the times I spent with you are so important. I really believe that I have felt things that nobody else on earth has felt. How could anyone understand? Thank you so much. I am more human than I would have been if you were never a part of my life. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| I don't know how many times I've sworn to myself that I was posting in this journal for the last time.
I called you last night, but I was drunk, and I didn't know I was calling you until I heard your answering machine, so I was sort of on the spot.
I am not trying to be an idiot, and I'm not trying to be dramatic, and I'm definitely, definitely not trying to hurt you, but I'm so sorry that that's how I feel. I hope you heard the message I left on your house phone's answering machine, because I think I said some important things far more gracefully than I'm sure I did last night.
I hope you're okay, and I encourage you to write letters to me. I will respond to them, and my address is:
Christopher Kilbourn
801 W. Franklin Street
room 1109
Richmond Virginia 23230
I hope you still sign your letters saying that you love me. I still love you, but in a funny paternalistic way where I can cut you out of my life, but not out of my conscience. I never got the impression that you were too upset by the breakup, but I hope you understand my reasoning in deciding that we would not have survived any prolonged vacations on your part, and probably would have been completely incompatible with the new conceptions we have of ourselves.
love chris. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I'm going away for the weekend, starting at 10:00pm on Thursday, November 3rd 2005.
Sometimes it's good to have things documented.
I won't be here on Saturday.
( Read more... ) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| HEY I'M AWAKE SIGN BACK ON!!!!
AND IT"S NOT 7am IT's 2 | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i am so sick.
i love you too.
ps, head-roc isn't playing. they have a 370 dollar guarantee! damn! that whole affordable and laudable stuff is bullshit. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| 
thanks for coming this weekend,e ven if you didn't have a choice. I wish you didn't leave but 91st birthday parties are a big deal, I think. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| SUP ITS THREE AM
RUN DOWN TO THE LIBRARY
GET ONLINE
READ THIS JOURNAL ENTYR
RUN HOME
THEN CALL ME ON MY CELL PHONE
I WANNA CALL YOU BYTDONT WANT TO WAKE PEOPLE UP
OH SHIT | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I'm at school. What a cesspool for bored housewives and highschool failures. I guess I fit into the latter catagory, so I belong here. Where do the college failures go? Why is it when you suck at something, they stick you somewhere even worse to give you a "second chance." Yesterday I went to have a cigarette and these kids were comparing advice on smoking crack. I said outloud, accidently, "I fucking just love community college." The kids didn't know I was being sarcastic, and they started asking me why I liked it so much, what classes I'm taking and, "What's my major?"
That happened to me on the bus the other day, too. When you make eye contact with someone on the bus, or walking on the street, you acknowledge them you know? Well, I think I smiled or something, but I didn't say anything or do anything to make this UVA kid think he could start a conversation with me about total bullshit. He just said, "So, what's your major?" right off the bat. I said, "I'm not a student and I'll never have a fucking major," then I got off the bus and walked the rest of the way.
Not really, I made something up and then kept reading my book. I feel myself getting more and more passive aggressive with strangers and it's really irking me. I'm trying and trying not to alienate myself from everyone, because everyone is the same and no one is better than anybody. I'm a human, my fellow house-wife-dropout-crack-smoking students are humans. I am them and they are me. Right? I guess so.
Secretly I'm devising plans. Fake plans that I will never follow through with, but plans none the less. I'm thinking about packign up my things, taking the Route 1 bus and getting off on Monticello Rd. I'm thinking about walking down Bellmont over to 64 East. I'm gonna stick my thumb towards the sky and catch a hotshot hitchike with some crazy loon all the way to Richmond. When it's the middle of the night I'm going to sneak into Johnson and quietly tell you to pack your things. We'll stop by Flying Brick when it opens and get a copy of Crewchange and then head out for the trainyards. When we get there we'll find the hobo jungle and ask some tramps which train's going west. We'll ride the train up to Chicago, and stay there for a night or so. Then we'll catch the hotshot to California. We'll spend the rest of fall on the ocean and on the desert before we go down to Mexico for the winter. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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secret_affair's journal